Your relationship isn’t where you want it to be. Communication is off, you are struggling with in-laws, finances, sex, friendship, social lives, parenting or something else that you just can’t get past. Perhaps you have thought of doing couples counseling in the past or even tried it before and have failed but you’ve come here most likely because you know that you need help.
My personal thoughts about couples counseling
It’s as much about who you see as it is what you want to get out of it
Couples counseling is my foremost specialty. At certain times in my practice over 20% of my caseload have been other therapists struggling in their own relationships. While there are different models or methods and approaches to couples counseling that exist, more important than the clinical background is the person delivering the counseling. Counseling is not an exact science and therefore it is more of an art at times and making sure you are working with someone you can grow a relationship with or who has the talent to help you work through your problems is a primary consideration.
Why is guidance so important?
Couples counseling, sometimes interchangeably referred to as marriage therapy or relationship therapy, can be the silver bullet that a couple needs to get themselves onto the right path in order to thrive as a unit. It’s amazing how often we take for granted the power of speech to direct us.
Imagine driving to a far away destination and only having a vague idea of what the building you’re going to looks like but no clear set of guidelines of when to turn left, or right, or what freeway to take. Having a good couples counselor is like turning on the navigation system in your car. You suddenly know what you need to do to get where you want to be.
What does couples counseling do?
While I can’t speak for every marriage therapist under the sun, my goal is to get you to be self-sufficient in your marriage. While there are always outliers who come into my practice and stay for a long time (even years), my goal is to get you in and out as quickly as possible learning the tools you need to be the best possible partners for each other.
Learning Tools and Recognizing Patterns
You might be asking yourself what kind of tools I’m talking about. From my experience learning through several different types of disciplines and approaches to couples counseling it always boils down to two different skills: building intimacy and resolving conflict. You’re either a couple who can’t seem to agree and fight in a volatile way or you feel more like roommates than lovers – or very often both. Building intimacy and resolving conflict are very different skills that need to be learned but they are very much interdependent.
Building intimacy without learning to resolve conflict can lead to volatile fights. Resolving conflict without building intimacy makes a relationship feel hollow and transactional.
And what about those patterns I mentioned earlier? Patterns are the typical places where you make mistakes. Some people have more patience than others, some have a thicker skin, some are better at household work, others are better at being a parent. We all have our strengths and weaknesses in a relationship – it’s what makes relationships exciting! But learning what your tendency is when you feel insecure about the relationship and knowing how to break through those destructive patterns can mean the difference between a week long stand off of awkward silence and being able to fix things in a matter of minutes.
What kind of relationships benefit from marriage therapy?
Really any relationship that is in trouble or can use some enhancement can benefit from seeing a skilled couples counselor. I’ve had people come into my care who have already filed for divorce and some couples who are generally happy but feel the slightest slipping and want to stay ahead of a problem.
One of the first things any good therapist or counselor will do with you is get a better understanding of your goals for therapy. Much like a physician would ask what hurts, or why you came in to see the doctor, a counselor will ask you what’s bothering you or what would you like to see improved in your relationship.
Creating a plan just for you
Depending on your answers, the approach will change. If parenting is your main issue, there might be some education that needs to happen. If problems in the bedroom are a struggle, a different approach entirely will start to unfold.
The beauty of counseling is that it is unique by definition. We talk about what’s going on in your relationship specifically. What are the hurdles, yes but even more importantly what are the dreams. What does your dream relationship look like to you? Once we know that we can build a road to get you there and hold your hand along the way.
What kind of therapy is best for couples?
The best kind of therapy or counseling for couples quite simply is the one that works. Like any field there are going to be people great at one type of therapy and some people who are so bad that you never want to try therapy ever again. Over ten years ago my wife (who is a therapist) and I were struggling in our marriage and we went to six different therapists in a short span of a few months and never found the right fit. It can be that challenging!
What’s more important than anything is making sure you feel comfortable and confident that the person you are working with has the ability to connect with both of you and has some wisdom to share. That being said, there are models of couples counseling that are worth noting if you are the type who likes to read into these kinds of things. Some of the most common include:
The Gottman Method
Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the Gottman Method is based on the extensive research of thousands of couples and identifies the elements it considers essential for healthy relationships. It emphasizes enhancing love maps, nurturing fondness and admiration, turning towards instead of away, maintaining a positive perspective, managing conflict, making life dreams come true, creating shared meaning, and using the Gottman Repair Checklist. The method is known for its practical, research-based interventions and strategies to improve relational dynamics.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Developed by Drs. Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg, Emotionally Focused Therapy is rooted in attachment theory and focuses on the emotional bond between partners. EFT aims to create and strengthen secure, resilient relationships through the identification and transformation of negative interaction patterns into positive ones. It emphasizes the importance of emotions in organizing attachment behaviors and seeks to restructure the emotional responses that maintain relational distress. The therapy involves exploring and reprocessing emotions to foster a stronger bond and secure attachment.
Relational Life Therapy (RLT)
Created by Terry Real, Relational Life Therapy focuses on fostering genuine connection and addressing power dynamics within the relationship. RLT is distinct in its approach to directly confront dysfunctional behaviors, including traditional gender roles and power imbalances, and it promotes living in harmony with oneself and one’s partner. It combines skill-building to improve communication with therapy to address deeper issues, emphasizing personal accountability, relationship equity, and intimacy.
Imago Relationship Therapy
Developed by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., Imago Relationship Therapy focuses on transforming conflict into opportunities for healing and growth. The term “Imago” is Latin for “image” and refers to the unconscious image of familiar love. This therapy helps couples understand how their childhood experiences shape their expectations of relationships and guides them in communicating effectively and compassionately. Techniques include structured dialogues to deepen understanding and empathy, facilitating healing, and fostering a positive, growth-oriented connection.
Here’s a short summary of the different models mentioned
- Gottman Method: Focuses on behaviors that predict success in relationships, with practical strategies to enhance connection.
- Emotionally Focused Therapy: Centers on emotional attachment, aiming to strengthen the bond between partners through emotional responsiveness and attachment-oriented interventions.
- Relational Life Therapy: Addresses power dynamics and promotes authenticity, confrontation, and personal accountability within relationships.
- Imago Relationship Therapy: Utilizes structured dialogues to explore how past experiences influence present relationships and to foster mutual understanding and empathy.
Each of the four methods mentioned above offers different approaches to building a quality relationship. They have their own tools, their own theories and philosophies, and in my humble opinion none of them is perfect. My personal favorite is the Gottman method for it’s direct, practical approach, but I think it lacks in pointing out patterns effectively so I often will draw from Emotional Focused Therapy or attachment theory to explain patterns and I also find Imago incredibly helpful when processing pain and resentment in relationships (more so than any other method).
How effective is couples counseling?
I’m going to give you some statistics here but before I do I want to issue a bit of a warning when it comes to therapy or counseling in general. It’s very easy to look at a percentage and make a snap judgment as to whether or not that feels promising. The sad truth is that each case has its own unique set of challenges that makes it not quite fit into a statistical model perfectly. The most significant one to remember is that all therapy that is not dependent on medication relies on the person having the willpower and discipline to put into practice the knowledge they learn.
The general number you might read in a Forbes or Cosmo article typically claims that 70% of couples who go to counseling say it helped.
Now the term “helped” is relative and isn’t quite well defined, but if you’re looking for a hard and fast number that’s the one you’ll bump into on the internet.
If you want to do a deeper dive the National Institutes of Health (NIH) has a brief of one of the