Why you need to start scheduling sex in your relationship

Unless you are having sex three to four times a week consistently, you should be scheduling sex. That’s my hard and fast rule. If you’re only having sex once a week and the day is always a mystery, that’s already not super healthy. Let’s face it, there will be weeks where you question, “Did we have sex? Did we not?” Not great, right? You want to know that you have that part of your relationship down pat. You need to have that licked, to confidently say that it’s healthy.

Unless you’re married to someone with significant mental, emotional, or physical trauma related to sexuality, they should like sex. And you should like sex. So, if everyone likes it, why aren’t you having more of it? The answer is simple: you’re probably not scheduling it. That’s really what it comes down to.

Why You Need to Start Scheduling Sex

Let’s break down why scheduling sex is essential. What are the reasons behind this practice? What are the benefits of scheduling sex? And why do you need to get over the idea that it’s not romantic?

Firstly, scheduling sex ensures that it becomes a priority in your life. Think about it: when you schedule something, it shows that it’s important to you. Your sexual life should be a priority between you and your partner. Making time for it is one of the most romantic gestures you can make. Forget the notion that romance is all about spontaneity; romance is about attention and care. Scheduling sex shows that you are giving this crucial part of your relationship the attention it deserves.

“Romance is about attention. Romance is about handling something with care and compassion.”

By making time for sex, you prioritize intimacy. This is especially crucial if you have kids or high-stress jobs. Without this prioritization, your partner may not feel like they are a priority, and intimacy can start to feel like an afterthought. The result? You might start feeling like roommates, which is a horrible feeling. Sometimes, relationships get so bad that being roommates feels like a step up, but that’s still not good enough.

Defining Your Relationship Goals

When working with couples, I always ask them a few key questions during their first session: What kind of relationship do you want? What do you want to see changed? What do you want more of? What do you want less of? Often, one of the partners—usually the men, about 70% of the time—says, “I just want peace.” It’s a common sentiment, but it’s a load of crap. No one gets married with the dream of just being left alone. If you’re in a place where all you want is peace and quiet, you’re essentially saying, “I want to be alone. I don’t want to be with you.” That’s a terrible message to send.

“The best way to not fight is to have fun together. And the best way to have fun together for most people is to have great sex.”

What you truly want to say is, “The hardest part of my relationship is all the conflict. I hope we can get past that so I can ask for what I really want—more sex, more hugs, more quality time.” When intimacy isn’t a priority, you might become someone who just wants to avoid fights. But here’s the thing: the best way to avoid fights is to have fun together. And for most people, having fun together often means having great sex. So, schedule it because it’s important.

The Benefits of Scheduling Sex

Now, let’s be honest—it won’t always be fantastic. But if you take ten swings at the bat and knock two out of the park, isn’t that still pretty dang good? Scheduling sex also helps with how the relationship affects your life. It reduces stress and anxiety for most people. You might think it would make you more anxious because you’d have to have sex on a specific night, even if you’re in a bad mood or you’ve had a fight. But let me tell you what usually happens.

“If you don’t make time for sex, sex won’t make time for you.”

If you know that every Thursday night, for example, you’re going to have sex, you and your partner will likely be on your best behavior that day. People start thinking, “I don’t want to miss out on sex, so let me work on my apology skills. Let me see if I can buy some flowers. Let me see if I can cook somebody’s favorite dinner.” It happens, it happens. And sex, by its very nature, is a form of communication, right? Physical intimacy is a form of communication.

Sex as Communication

But you also have to talk about it sometimes. You know, last week when we tried it, I got hurt, or the lights were a little too bright, or the door wasn’t locked, and I got nervous. So what happens when you schedule sex? When you have sex regularly, it enhances communication. Because if you’re not talking about anything else in the relationship—your emotional health, your in-laws, your work—if the only thing you’re talking about is sex, that’s still talking about something.

I often hear people say they’ve heard of the idea of having a sex challenge where they have sex every night for three weeks or two weeks. Some even do it for a year, which is mind-blowing, right? They ask if it’s a good idea. And I say, look, the sex part of that challenge is actually the least important part, believe it or not. The most important part is that you’re coming together every night. Now, if you decided to cook every night, you would get almost all the benefit of having a sex challenge. You won’t get all of it because there are endorphins in it, and let’s face it, sex is hard to beat. But the real magic lies in the communication and the sense of priority you build by making it a goal to connect every night. That’s the magic, not the actual sex.

If all you needed was sex and it wasn’t about connecting or communicating, technically speaking, masturbation would do the same thing, but it doesn’t. It’s not about the physical release. It’s about communicating. It’s about reducing the amount of stress and anxiety through communication.

“Scheduling sex reduces stress and anxiety for most people.”

Managing Busy Schedules

Scheduling sex also helps manage busy schedules. You might be a newlywed listening to this and thinking, what’s the big deal? First of all, you have sex all the time. Second of all, both of you have jobs, and you have plenty of time in the evenings, and weekends are just a sex fest. But then you have kids or have to go on the road for your job. There’s a lot that can happen.

If you don’t make time for sex, sex won’t make time for you. As you grow in life and gain more responsibilities, if you don’t have the pattern and structure to plan for sex, you will miss out. So it’s better to start doing it earlier and having that as a skill that’s already developed in your arsenal as a couple.

The Loneliness Problem

The hardest part of a relationship is feeling alone. It’s one thing to feel alone and actually be alone. It’s one thing to feel lonely when you’re actually lonely. If you live in a one-bedroom apartment, go to work, come home, and don’t have a huge social circle, and you tell me you’re lonely, I’d say, yeah, you are, because you’re alone. Let’s work on building a social circle for you. That would be my response.

“The hardest part of a relationship is feeling alone. It’s one thing to feel alone and actually be alone. It’s another to feel lonely when you’re married.”

But if you’re married and you feel lonely, it’s because there’s a tremendous amount of neglect, and you don’t feel the ability to get past that neglect. If you schedule sex—at least once a week, at a bare minimum—that can help. Sometimes, once a week is all you can manage, and that’s healthy. But if you’re not doing it once a week or at least three times a month, and you’re not scheduling it, something’s broken. You will feel neglected, or your partner will feel neglected.

Addressing Different Sex Drives

Maybe you’re the low-drive partner. Maybe you don’t need sex once a week. Maybe you only need sex once a month to feel sexually satisfied. But your partner probably needs it more if that’s the case. Unless both of you have abnormally low sex drives, which does happen but is rare, your partner will feel neglected in that department. And if that happens, your partner will start getting grumpy, stressed out, and distant.

They are distant because they feel neglected and feel like they can’t rely on you to provide the affection they need. So, they retreat into their little cave and think, “I have to rely on myself. I’m not loved the way I want to be. I’ll live this life with this other person, but I’m alone.” That’s a sad existence. It really is. So, schedule sex and embrace it.

Making It Work

Now, you might think it sounds hard to know you’ll be in the mood at seven o’clock on a Wednesday night or Thursday night, or whatever time you choose. The truth is, you probably won’t be every time. Give yourselves five to ten minutes to embrace each other’s bodies. If you need dim lights, dim the lights. If you like an oil diffuser to make the room smell a certain way, spend 20 bucks on Amazon and get an oil diffuser. If you like a little music, set the mood however you want. If you like a little kink and want to use some toys—some furry toys or leather toys—go for it.

“Let the stimulation of your body lead the way. Don’t let your head get in the way.”

But let the stimulation of your body lead the way. Don’t let your head get in the way. You have to let your body embrace the responsive nature of sexuality that exists in us pretty much until the day we die. It’s not going to be spontaneous like it was when you were 16, when if the wind blew, you’d get in the mood. As you get older, as there’s more stress in your life, as there’s less time to relax, spontaneity starts to wane. So, you have to say, “You know what, I’m going to show up. Maybe we’ll start with a massage and see where things go.” And if it doesn’t always end up in sex, that’s okay too, but show up and try. Make time for it. Let your bodies guide you.

If you know you need a soft touch, great. If you need a little rougher touch, fine. Let your body be reminded of how good it feels. It might be awkward for the first few minutes, but if you make it a routine, you’ll get comfortable, and your body will get comfortable with it too.

Take the Next Step to Strengthen Your Relationship

Scheduling sex might seem unromantic at first, but it’s one of the most caring and practical steps you can take to prioritize intimacy in your relationship. By making sex a regular part of your routine, you enhance communication, reduce stress, and prevent the loneliness that often creeps into marriages. Whether it’s about addressing different sex drives or simply making time amidst a busy schedule, scheduled sex helps you stay connected with your partner on a deeper level. Embrace this approach, set the mood, and let your bodies guide you, even if it feels awkward at first. Your relationship will benefit from the attention and care that comes with prioritizing physical intimacy.

If you’re ready to take your relationship to the next level but need a little help along the way, I’m here to assist you. Whether it’s scheduling sex, improving communication, or tackling any other relationship challenges, a free consultation can provide you with the personalized guidance you need. Don’t let neglect and routine sap the joy out of your marriage. Reach out today for a free consultation and start transforming your relationship into the thriving partnership you deserve. Contact me now to schedule your free consultation and begin your journey toward a healthier, more intimate relationship.

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