Clair White, MA applies her clinical psychology training and personal experience to help adults and kids move toward whole health. Through her coaching practice, she offers group presentations and workshops, as well as individual, parent, and family coaching that focuses on improving emotional, mental, physical, relational, and spiritual health. Because it is a colossal job, Clair specializes in parent coaching – helping align communication, interactions, and discipline with each family’s core values. Relationship and communication coaching is at the center of most of her work with clients. Outside of work hours, you’ll find Clair spending whatever time she can with her 3 teenagers, exercising, walking and talking with her husband, or engaging in some variety of church activities.

https://bio.site/ClairWhiteCoaching

[Jon Dabach] 00:00
Today on the relationship Revival Show, I’m joined by Clair White. Clair applies her clinical psychology, training and personal experience to help adults and kids move toward Whole Health. Through her coaching practice. She offers group presentations and workshops, as well as individual Parent and Family coaching that focuses on improving emotional, mental, physical, relational and spiritual health.

[Jon Dabach] 00:22
Because it’s a colossal job Clair specializes in parent coaching, helping align communication interactions and discipline with each family’s core values. relationship and communication coaching is at the center of most of her work with clients outside of work hours, you’ll find Clair spending whatever time she can, with their three teenagers exercising, walking and talking with their husband, or engaging in some variety of church activities.

[Jon Dabach] 00:49
I’m excited to have her on the show and learn a few pointers that I hopefully can take into my own life with my four kids. In the chaos that I call home. You’re listening to the relationship revival podcast with Jon Dabach, also known as Mr. Spirituality.

[Jon Dabach] 01:03
That’s me. I’m your host giving you insights and guidance from over 10 years in the field of this amazing journey we call romance on this show, I go over everything you need to know about how to get into a relationship, how to get the most out of a relationship, and sometimes even how to gracefully end a relationship without pulling your hair out and going crazy. And occasionally, I’m even joined by new and old friends who are also relationship experts to bring you guidance and wisdom with new perspectives. Thanks for stopping by Clair way, thank you so much for being on the relationship revival podcast How you doing today,

[Clair White] 01:42
I’m doing great, it’s good to be here.

[Jon Dabach] 01:44
Awesome, you have a pretty cool background and you deal with different things out, you know, I wanted to kind of center and zone in on something that comes in into play in my practice a lot, which is a lot of times partners come in, and they have kids of different ages, sometimes adult children living in homes, but a lot of times with small kids, if there’s a problem with the child, where they’re for whatever it is, whether they’re neurodiversity, they have ADHD, or they have just some behavioral issues, or the times the parents will fight about it about the approaching the styles, they feel like they’re at their wit’s end.

[Jon Dabach] 02:17
And so, you know, parenting kind of tangentially affects the romantic relationship quite a bit. What would you say? Like, if you have, if you have someone coming to you and says, that says like, what’s your approach, they say, like, look that there’s just a lot of defiance, for example, that that comes up a lot, like I have an 11 year old, or I have a 12 year old or a nine year old, and they just don’t want to listen.

[Jon Dabach] 02:40
And so we find ourselves screaming, and we’re drained, and we don’t know what to do, what would be your way of kind of examining a good way to kind of move forward from that situation?

[Clair White] 02:51
That’s a great question. And that’s what a lot of people come in wanting to know. So a lot of times as parents, we tend to focus on the kids behaviors, what they’re doing, what they’re not doing, and the tension that the behaviors end up creating in the house.

[Clair White] 03:06
And one of the first things that I end up doing with any family that comes in is try to figure out what their values are what’s most important to them, because usually, in that conversation, one of the things that surfaces is that their relationships or respect, or you know, there are some deeper values that they’re really trying to focus on or that they think are really important in their home.

[Clair White] 03:30
And they lose sight of those things, because they end up hyper focusing on the behaviors that behaviors are most immediate, they’re in front of us. And so they ended up pulling our focus away from the deeper, more important things like the importance of our relationships with each other.

[Clair White] 03:43
So So if you kind of draw your attention back to those deeply important things like relationships, and communication and health in in the family, then we can, we can start to remember what it is that we’re trying to work toward. And I always say my number one parenting goal is or my number one parenting tip is to know your goal.

[Clair White] 04:05
So anytime that you’re, you’re trying to figure out a problem that you’re facing, or you’re entering an interaction with a kid, if you know what it is that you want to achieve, you’re going to be a lot more strategic and effective and moving toward that. And so sometimes we just need to remember like, really, when we’re entering an interaction with our kids, the thing that is most important, and the thing that we really want to communicate more than anything else is that we love and value and want what’s best for them.

[Clair White] 04:28
And if we can remember that, then we engage with them very differently than if we enter the interaction focused on this terrible thing that they’re doing and we want them to stop doing. Yeah,

[Jon Dabach] 04:38
that makes a lot of just mind frame you know, kind of setting the table of reminding ourselves what what we really want with our kids and or for our kids. What are some kind of tools because I know one thing that comes up is everybody thinks that’s a great idea in theory, but then it’s 7:30 and three Kids and it’s hard to cram them all in the car and one’s giving you a problem. And you’re like, I have 30 seconds or we’re all going to be late.

[Jon Dabach] 05:07
You know, how do you how do you kind of deal with things in the heat of the moment to remember you have tools or kind of ideas that you share with parents in terms of how to stay cool when there is that pressure cooker scenario?

[Clair White] 05:19
I do I do. And my biggest encouragement is to not let that happen. Try to be proactive, try to get ahead of it, make sure that there’s more than 30 seconds to get where you need to be. And that’s, that’s really the best way to maybe prevent a lot of the tension that happens in our in our families.

[Clair White] 05:39
But yes, there are strategies for you know, when you’re in the moment, because conflict will always happen, there will always be challenges and high stress moments.

[Clair White] 05:48
So I think there are things that can help you get through those Well, I always say like, there’s no way to avoid stress, there’s no way to avoid challenges between parents and kids, what we want to do is get through them well, so I do have I actually have a really ridiculous six step plan that I end up sharing with a lot of families. And what we do is we figure out like, what, what works for your family.

[Clair White] 06:12
So I mentioned values before. And I think it’s really important for parents to know what’s important for their family? What do they really want to instill and emphasize with their kids? And then what are the strategies that really work for your particular context? So what are the things that help you feel calm when you’re worked up as a parent, because if you’re entering that pressure cooker, in a much heightened emotional state, you’re going to be not at your best when it comes to parenting.

[Clair White] 06:38
So you need to do some things to kind of lower I call it this your stress temperature. And then there are things that we can help our kids do to help lower their stress temperature in that moment. So if we can get everybody back to kind of a healthy emotional state, we can we can work through the challenges we can problem solve, we can do all the things that we need to do. I think every parent is well equipped to discipline, they just need to not do it when they’re in the heat of the moment or emotionally charged.

[Jon Dabach] 07:06
Yeah, I think that’s a really good point. If you’re punishing your kid, while you’re still angry, it’s not going to be as metered as you’re like you thought about like, Okay, does this help correct? The behavior and actually seem reasonable, and like, it’s been going to be productive, as opposed to I’m mad, I’m taking away your iPad for six months? And it’s like, that’s, yeah, yeah.

[Clair White] 07:32
When we do that, when we respond to our own emotions in, you know, when we kind of, and I’m doing this in air quotes, like discipline out of our own heightened emotional state, we ended up being really punitive. And really the goal in that moment, if we’re honest with ourselves, the goal is I want my kids to pay for this thing that they just did wrong, you know, I’m punishing them just so that they pay, they know that they did something wrong.

[Clair White] 07:55
And when we are not, in a heightened emotional state, a lot of times we sit back and we’re like, okay, that’s not, that’s not helpful, that’s not effective. That’s not teaching and training our kids in the way they should go, like, we can be a lot more effective and strategic. When we’re calm. Yeah.

[Jon Dabach] 08:12
What is what would be your advice to a couple where, you know, the one of the two partners has a shorter fuse, and let’s say, you, a two kid household with two parents and the wife sees that the husband is getting a little too tense towards one of the kids maybe kind of letting the best of him kind of get away in terms of intervening, you know, without compromising the, the unity of parenting, because that’s really important that you have this unified front, what’s a good technique or something you might suggest there.

[Clair White] 08:53
That’s where having a plan established ahead of time is really helpful. So then you both know, in that moment, when you are feeling really frustrated, or I won’t, I won’t insert other words, but it happens, right? Like we’re really worked up in that moment. And anything that our CO parent says to us, that is suggestive that we’re maybe not at our parenting best is going to be taken.

[Clair White] 09:20
Not well, but if we have those conversations ahead of time if we recognize in our calmer moments, okay, this this happens you know, when you do this or when you say this, here’s what I noticed happens like when you know, come at our kid in this way. I notice you know, these are non-judgmental observations right. So I just as a fly on the wall, I see this happen, let’s kind of map out the I Yeah, I do this. Let’s map out the escalation of the conflict.

[Clair White] 09:50
Right. And you can go step by step usually and say, Okay, this happens and then I think this and then he says this, and then I feel this, and when we do that, we can see it for what it is This is not a judgmental thing. And if we’re doing this when we’re calm, it’s an it’s a lot healthier conversation.

[Clair White] 10:06
But if as CO parents, you can sit down and say, okay, here are my observations, it doesn’t seem like this works well for this kid. Or it seems like when we do this, the situation really diffuses. And we’re able to have a healthier conversation. So when co parents can talk through that in a calm moment, they’re able to actually plan for the next challenge. So okay, next time this happens, let’s talk about what we’re going to do.

 

[Clair White] 10:33
And I am all for like having code words or tag teaming, you know, I got, I got to tag out like I am. I think parent timeouts are one of the best things that we can model for our kids. Like, I’m really frustrated. Right now, I tell people this all the time when my kids were young, there were so many times where I said to them, Hey, I’m feeling really frustrated right now, I don’t want to do or say anything that is going to hurt you or our relationship. So I’m going to go take a five minute timeout.

[Clair White] 11:00
Just give me a break, I’ll come back, I’ll be better. Yeah. And I think we can do that together for sure as as CO parents and as a team that’s working together, hopefully, with our kid, because that’s one of the things that I think it’s really important to emphasize is that, as a family, we’re a team, we are all on the same team. We’re on the same page, we all want the same things. We want peace in this house. How can we work together to achieve that? And I think just planning ahead and having a strategy for that is totally worth the time and effort it takes to do that.

[Jon Dabach] 11:34
You mentioned a six step plan. Is that something that you work through with a lot of people who come into you? Is it consistent or like you have a framework for it? Or is it something that’s a little more customized?

[Clair White] 11:49
It is both. So I have a template that I use. And all of I’m big on worksheets, I’ve got a worksheet for everything. And so I have this template that has its got pictures, it’s kind of juvenile because I want kids to be able to use it alongside the adults. But it’s something that I work with children and adults on creating this plan. And the idea is that the six steps are consistent for every family.

[Clair White] 12:17
But the strategies that each family uses within each step is going to be different. And even in the family. Individuals might have different strategies for how to cool down you know that one of the steps is to just engage in some sort of physical relaxation work, the stress and the tension out of your body. Well, for some people that might be physical activity, it might be exercise, I’ve, I’ve worked with parents who have seriously done a timeout in the middle of a challenge and said, I’m going to go get on the treadmill.

[Clair White] 12:46
Because they know that they need to work that angry energy out, right. And then you know, sometimes for for kids, it’s like taking a warm bath really calms them. And so in the heat of the moment, that’s the way that they’re going to work the stress the tension out of their body, or muscle relaxation, or, you know, deep breathing mindfulness strategies. So are they might be different for

[Jon Dabach] 13:06
Are they are they connected to distressing them? Like specifically? Or is that just part of the process?

[Clair White] 13:12
Yeah, so this is, my, my overall plan is for getting through those stressful or challenging situations well, and so the first thing that you do, in this, this model, this plan is to take what I call your stress temperature.

[Clair White] 13:27
And if you’re if you’re in the red, if you’re at an unhealthy stress level, then you know, okay, before I step in and try to problem solve or address this issue, I need to manage my own stress level, I need to, yes, engage in some sort of relaxation strategy to work the tension out of my body, I need to do some cognitive work, some mindset work just to get myself into a healthier place.

[Clair White] 13:49
Because I’m on a negative real, I mean, you know, when we’re, when we’re in those moments with our spouse, or with our kids, and something is not going right, a lot of times, we can just start spinning, you know, and we just get full of all those negative thoughts about the kid about this never changing. This happens all the time. He’s always doing this.

[Clair White] 14:08
And then we start attributing, you know, there’s so much negative bias in that and accusations and assumptions. So part the next step after the physical relaxation is to do some cognitive work and to tackle some of those, those negative thoughts, those automatic thoughts, and to just help shift the focus to some healthier thoughts. And so once you’ve, you’ve done the physical and the cognitive, sort of distressing, decompressing, then you can step into problem solving and problem solving, you know, with kids that might be working through the pros and cons of every option kind of going through a classic problem solving strategy.

[Clair White] 14:46
With Parents, a lot of times we’re talking about discipline. So rather than disciplining out of that heightened emotional state that you had in the beginning of this process, now we’re going to sit down and think strategically about reinforces and Punisher And we’re going to use consequences appropriately. And we’re going to actually strategically and effectively address this this concern in a way that aligns with our family’s values.

[Jon Dabach] 15:08
Yeah, that makes sense. That’s an it’s a nice kind of protocol. You’ve laid out a little bit there. i It’s funny, because in couples work well, you know, I’m Gottman trained as a counselor, and so the we use a lot of those same ideas, we have different terminology called being flooded. But I always tell people, you know, it’s interesting. If your heart rate gets over a certain amount, they’ve done the clinical research, and it’s physically impossible for you to comprehend what the other person is saying, because your brain is in a different state.

[Jon Dabach] 15:39
So because a lot of people say, Well, I’m mad, and I want to talk when I’m mad, I’m like, but it’s not effective. It’s just not. So. So you know, and one thing I was going to ask you is, it typically takes physiologically, men more time to calm down than women, but I’ve only I only have done the research on the adult side.

[Jon Dabach] 15:57
And it’s a you know, it’s 15 to 20 minutes, typically for women, and then 30 minutes on average for a man to come down when they really get to that level. And there’s different theories on why, you know, kind of going back to the physiology and the hunter gatherer times and stuff and how we had different roles.

[Jon Dabach] 16:12
And obviously, we can’t prove any of it, but just different ideas. Have you? Have you had any kind of insight into how long it takes kids at different ages? And if different genders have different kinds of cool off times? Or is it all over the map?

[Clair White] 16:27
You know, I haven’t I haven’t focused on the times. That’s a really interesting question. That’s, I mean, now you’re going to, I’m going to start asking that.

[Jon Dabach] 16:37
I don’t know either. I have four kids myself. So it’s like, I know, some of the kids take a little longer to cool up, I noticed that kids in general, bounce back a lot faster than adults. Especially if they feel hurt or validated. They don’t hold on to things as much they you know, but that’s kind of normal kids, right? They get happy in a second and then sad the next second, and it’s like this roller coaster.

[Jon Dabach] 17:00
I mean, if they were adults, they almost be looked at as this weird, manic depressive, swinging bipolar kind of thing, because that’s just the way kids are. So but they do still need that cool off. It’s just like, Okay, how much? And that’s what a timeout essentially does, right? It gives them that time to cool down so we can come back to the table.

[Jon Dabach] 17:17
And when they’re young, we’d like the kind of the classic thing that I was taught by so many people is, it’s a minute per age for the child until they’re like five or six, and then it’s like, okay, then they need sometimes it really does depend.

[Jon Dabach] 17:29
So I think there is something to be said about how much time they need. I have, I have a question for you that you talk about, like the juvenile kind of nature of some of your worksheets, because it has to kind of be this four quadrant thing where everybody in every age group needs to be able to connect to do you use a lot of imagery in your work?

[Clair White] 17:48
I do I do. I have a lot of frameworks and models. And I think it’s just the way my brain works. I see things in pictures. And so I’d love to, I do have a lot of

[Jon Dabach] 17:59
You can share an example of how they work.

[Clair White] 18:04
I can share one this is difficult to do on a podcast, because usually it’s visual. But yeah. I talked to people about different relationship types. And if this is not the direction you want to go, you just let me know. But yeah, one of the things that I ended up using is this illustration about, like, I’ll show you but it’s just you know, you have two people and there are different types of relationships based on how close they are. Yeah, so

[Jon Dabach] 18:33
I’ll describe it. So I think about see it, it’s they look like paper. Okay, so paper dolls, like silhouettes and like, you know, there’s maybe a hands with, apart from their two hands versus actually hands touching, versus arms overlapping versus chests overlapping, versus, you know, almost overlapping one to one, right? Is that would you say that was? Yes.

[Clair White] 18:56
Yeah, yeah. So the Yeah, people call it my gingerbread men. They are its just two figures. And so if you imagine, you know, there are people in your life who you function alongside this is kind of maybe people you work with, or with your kids, they might be classmates that they don’t necessarily hang out with, you’re doing the same thing at the same time, but you’re not close.

[Clair White] 19:15
And then as those two figures come closer, there’s a picture of them touching and so that’s, that kind of represents the relationships you have where you work, you know, you hang out with people you talk your friends, you do things together, but there isn’t necessarily the closeness of the overlap in your lives. And so as the two pictures start to overlap, that’s where I think of that as intimacy.

[Clair White] 19:37
That’s where we’re actually sharing aspects of ourselves with the other person we’re sharing parts of our life there is that that overlap and that connection, and then you know, there are versions of that that can end up being unhealthy based on whether or not the figures maintain their boundaries, their sense of self. So you know, you can get the enmeshed couple you can get the codependent couple. So it all has to do with kind of boundaries and who maintains their sense of self and individuality.

[Clair White] 20:07
But I think in a healthy relationship, there are a few core characteristics. And so those illustrations just help people identify what type of relationship they have with people what type of relationship they want to have. So a lot of times kids come in, you know, you might have teenagers, and they’re dealing with all these social issues. And you know, all this drama is happening in their friend group.

[Clair White] 20:30
And the conversation we have is like, well, what, what kind of relationship do you want to have with this person, like this person, you know, shared your deep, dark secrets on social media, so maybe it’s not a good idea to have that that intimate, overlapping relationship where they know your secrets, you know, maybe you just move it, you transition to a relationship where you’re hanging out, you’re working, you know, you’re still are in the same friend group, and you tolerate each other, but you’re not making yourself vulnerable to the other person.

[Clair White] 20:57
And so it’s just a helpful way of talking through types of relationships and qualities of relationships. And for whatever reason, sometimes the visuals just make it a lot more. It just defines it a little bit more in Sure. Yeah,

 

[Jon Dabach] 21:13
I think I think that engages a different part of the brain. I mean, I’m big on even when I go grocery shopping, I have kind of what I call a peg system to remember, you know, number one, I need to care it and then I have an visual to the carrot jumping over the moon.

[Jon Dabach] 21:27
So like, you know, the more kind of wacky and different it is, the easier it is to kind of imprint. So thinking of your relationship in terms and even calling it gingerbread men. So you kind of have that kind of representation of gingerbread men holding hands or kind of sharing an arm.

[Jon Dabach] 21:41
I mean, it does it kind of does have that effect of just staying in the brain a little bit longer and having a new little cubby to kind of inserted into. I hope so I have some I have some questions. Even just, you know, selfishly, I have four kids, as I mentioned, and one thing that’s come up and I’m and my wife is a therapist, and I’m a counselor, and we struggle with this, and kind of getting your take on it.

[Jon Dabach] 22:07
A lot of the time, there’s you know, They bicker, so my kids are right now between five and 11 years old. And so there’s a lot of you know, they’re close in age, and they boys share a room and have two girls and they share a room. And so if someone is rude to the other person, you know, we always say Come tell us don’t take it into your own hands. Because though sometimes they if they we don’t want them to get physical or anything like that. So they come tell us and we try to make them feel heard and like, oh, that’s too bad.

[Jon Dabach] 22:34
And maybe say sorry, but they’ve gotten into this thing over the last year or two where it’s like, they keep saying you don’t do anything. It’s like, well, you come tell you and you don’t do anything. And I and I asked them today on the way to school, I’m like, well, what do you want me to?

[Jon Dabach] 22:47
Do? You want me to beat them? You want me to hit? And it’s like, no, punish them. And they have that punitive drive that you’re going to talking. You mentioned earlier that parents have, but it’s like, you know, sometimes what they’re asking for is like, there’s no, there’s no kind of way to, even if it was justified that it should take a punishment. It’s never enough. It’s never satisfying. So I’m kind of curious, like how to work through it with kids who are young and don’t have that idea that like you’re being unreasonable?

[Clair White] 23:18
Yeah, yeah, I would say my first question would be what, what do they want with the other person? So not just what do they want in terms of discipline? Or your response to the other kid? What do they want with that other sibling? So if it’s a situation where yeah, somebody snatched something from, you know, like, he

[Jon Dabach] 23:41
Took my notepad, he took my, whatever crayons markers.

[Clair White] 23:44
Yeah. Okay, so what, what’s your goal? What, what do each of the kids want? What do you want to do as a parent? Like, what is the helpful way to walk through that? And so that’s where I would say, you know, for each of the kids, what’s, what’s the thing that they really want?

[Clair White] 24:01
Well, the one who took the iPad, probably, it’s, and it’s so funny. This is where the cognitive stuff comes in, right? Because we end up interpreting the behavior, and it’s like, well, he’s being a jerk, or he’s being selfish, or he’s being, you know, inappropriate in some way.

[Clair White] 24:15
And I see that and I’m like, Well, no, I mean, he was just getting what he wanted. Like, we’re all people trying to move maneuver life, right, get what we want out of life. And so as parents, our job is to teach and train our kids how to do that appropriately. Okay, well, in our house, you know, in our family, our relationships are really important. And so it’s, you know, part of part of trusting one another is making sure that you’re not doing things without the other person’s permission, or, or something like that.

[Clair White] 24:41
So, you talk through it in that way, and help the kids figure out okay, well, how can you get what you want appropriately, like in a way that aligns with our values, and that you know, is right and good and is actually going to help you get what you want? And if you do that for each of the kids, then it’s like, you’re helping them figure out how to problem solve So, okay, what the kid who was offended, like, what is it that you actually want? Well, I want I want my sibling to make things right with me.

[Clair White] 25:09
Okay, how can he do that? And then that becomes the conversation. Yeah. And it takes you out of the position of having to be the mediator or the person that’s deciding all of that, because I don’t know that, that you need to be that.

[Jon Dabach] 25:23
Yeah. I think idealized, that’s a great strategy. It’s just, you know, what they want is the problem. Like I said, what do they really want? They want Him to make it right. And it’s like, I don’t know, my kids have gotten to a point where it’s like, I don’t want anything to be right.

[Jon Dabach] 25:36
I want them to suffer. And it’s just like, Geez, how do I respond to that? And so that’s the challenge. And I think it’s going to take a lot of like, conversations, like you laid out of explaining, like, look, there’s sharing in the house. And if you really have something you don’t want shared, you can explain and ask for it back and stuff.

[Jon Dabach] 25:54
And, but it’s just there’s, you know, it gets so tiring and so exhausting the repetition of how many times we’ve had these conversations. So it’s like, figuring out a new approach, or how to figure out how to do it in another way where it doesn’t seem, because they also, like, we’ve had so many conversations where it gets bored for them, right. It’s just like, we’ve already talked about this, I get it, and it’s they still do it. And I’m like, yeah. So that’s the’s part of the big challenge of you know, dealing with it on a day to day basis.

[Clair White] 26:22
Yeah, well, and that’s part of why I like to take it that level deeper, like instead of focusing on the behavior or the issue at hand, take it to that deeper like values level, because that’s a consistent conversation that doesn’t need to change based on the content of the challenge.

[Clair White] 26:37
So hey, in our family, you know, this is this is what’s really important, let’s figure out how to focus on that. And then you can have, you know, you don’t have to constantly be changing the way that you engage with them, or the feedback you give them, it’s always your input is consistent, and it helps them understand, okay, this is beyond this particular behavior. And also, if we focus on the behaviors, it is going to be something different every single day, because there will always be something that is, you know, kind of superficially happening in the home.

[Clair White] 27:08
And that just gets exhausting to address all the time. So if we take it to that deeper level, it’s like, okay, we’re just going to, we’re going to go straight down there. And we’re not going to talk about what you know, what someone so did today, which is basically the same thing they did yesterday, just in a different form, we’re going to focus on the deeper issue and a dress that

[Jon Dabach] 27:27
I like that I like the idea of like, it’s a consistent because it’s true that if the kids know, they’re going to get the same conversation again, and again, eventually it does kind of penetrate in. It’s like, when you know, when they say, they’ve stopped asking at a certain point, me questions that they’ve already asked their mother because they know, Mike, the first thing on my mouth is, well, did you already ask your mom, you know, and it’s like, if, if they realize like that, they got to be on the same page, it’s like, as long as there’s that consistency for the kid, then they start understanding.

[Jon Dabach] 27:57
So maybe I have to kind of, you know, have a powwow with my wife, it’s like, we kind of start refocusing the conversation about relationship values with the kids, as opposed to who stole whose markers.

[Clair White] 28:08
Well, I, for whatever reason, like we are so much more intentional about the way we engage in relationships with other people. And then in our homes, we just, were more comfortable, right? Like, we’re so much less intentional, but you know, better than anybody, you know, the characteristics, the qualities that keep relationships healthy.

[Clair White] 28:28
And so you know, if we take some of that and apply it to the sibling relationships, and the relationships between everybody in the house, but dynamics, the way that we interact, you, it can fundamentally change the behaviors, because now we’re, we’re being respectful to each other, we’re being responsible.

[Clair White] 28:46
We’re all pitching in, we are a team, and we are remembering that, you know, people are more important than things that was a phrase that got thrown out all the time when my kids were young. And my husband just started saying it. And then we suddenly realized, oh, wow, that’s a value.

[Clair White] 28:59
But, but just reminding them like, hang on a second, let’s focus on the relationship stuff, the relationship qualities and characteristics and the things that will help you have a healthy relationship. And then they’ll be able to figure that stuff out on their own.

[Jon Dabach] 29:13
Yeah, fantastic stuff. Great, great ideas here that you’re sharing it and I’m a big fan. If someone wants to work with you, I mean, we’re what’s the best way for them to reach out and start talking or what kind of resources do you want to kind of point them to?

[Clair White] 29:30
Yeah, I have a few different things. Everything is sort of centered on my website, which is clear Goodman white.com. And that’s clear with no E. on there. I have a couple of resources. I actually have a kind of a workbook style ebook that outlines that six step plan that people can download straight from my website. I have a bunch of short, mostly parenting focused videos on YouTube.

[Clair White] 29:55
There are a few other things thrown in there. And then I have some video courses. Available, as well that that people can consume on their own, whenever and wherever is convenient, which is usually helpful for parents. And those, I have one that really focuses on communicating well with kids. And when I talked about communication, and again, you know this better than anybody, but in a relationship communication oftentimes is, I would say maybe even more about listening than talking so, so how to listen, well listen to learn with our kids, I have a course available for that.

[Clair White] 30:33
And then I do work individually with people or families or, you know, I can do parent coaching virtually, I’m located in Indianapolis, I do see people in person, but I’m always happy to do virtual sessions if people are scattered around the country. And anyone can reach out to me through my website, which is probably the easiest way. Right. I also have a there’s a mailing list that people can sign up for on the website, too.

[Clair White] 30:59
And when you do that, you get access to a free course on perspective taking which is really helpful, again, as parents to figure out how to understand and kind of see the world through our kid’s eyes, and that can end up being a really helpful resource as well.

[Jon Dabach] 31:16
Fantastic. And it’s clairgoodman.white.com Clair without an E so clairgoodmanwhite.com. Is that right? That’s correct. Awesome. Clair, thank you so much for being here. If you’re interested in learning how to get the absolute most out of your romantic relationships, then you’re in luck because I have put together a free workshop or masterclass if you will, about three secrets that people in happy relationships have discovered.

[Jon Dabach] 31:43
You can view the workshop and mister spirituality.com/three secrets again, it’s completely free. Just go there and watch it. It’ll help you on your journey give you some wisdom. Some things to think about. The website again is Mr. spirituality.com/three secrets. That’s Mr. spirituality.com/the Number three, the word secrets. It’s all yours. Enjoy.