You can find Jacqueline on the web at:
[Jon Dabach] 00:00
Today on the relationship survival show, I’m talking to Jacqueline Servantess. Jacqueline is a certified wellness coach, and the author of a number one best-selling Amazon book that helps explain what narcissistic personality disorder is and what the common red flags can be in it.
[Jon Dabach] 00:15
She also shares her own personal story of when she was targeted by one of these types of older male predators in her 20s, and how she got out of it, you’ll also get to read about what she believes to be the top two profound inner healing methods that are completely free, and can be done within the privacy of one’s own home, you’re listening to the relationship revival podcast with Jon Dabach, also known as Mr. Spirituality.
[Jon Dabach] 00:40
That’s me. I’m your host giving you insights and guidance from over 10 years in the field of this amazing journey we call romance on this show, I go over everything you need to know about how to get into a relationship, how to get the most out of a relationship, and sometimes even how to gracefully end a relationship without pulling your hair out and going crazy. And occasionally, I’m even joined by new and old friends who are also relationship experts to bring you guidance and wisdom with new perspectives.
[Jon Dabach] 01:10
Thanks for stopping by Jacqueline Cervantes, thank you so much for being here. Thank you, I want to dive into to your book. And your history. It sounds like you have a really interesting, you know, kind of storied history with dealing with narcissism. Take me back to kind of your first experiences with it as a person.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 01:34
Sure. So pretty much it’s I’m the oldest of four kids. And I guess it’s kind of hard. It’s kind of hard to talk about, because we don’t want to talk negatively about our parents usually, probably, but unfortunately, I believe my mother was a pretty severe narcissist.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 01:54
And so I kind of, really, and I was the scapegoat. So usually, it’s very typical that the oldest daughter would be the scapegoat, because part of the reason is they’ll start seeing things sooner. And so yeah, it I guess, I don’t know how much I don’t want to get too personal and family details, but I ended up being targeted pretty.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 02:21
Yeah. And then, like a, like, if people have heard Paris Hilton story, you know, that’s pretty much also part of what happened to me was, although very different circumstances because I think her mother’s maiden name, I see. But I ended up getting sent away when I was only 13 years old to these out of state programs that are also especially now with the internet, people know very well that people can be very badly abused at these places, a lot of people end up dying at these types of places even.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 02:54
So, yeah, it was a very tumultuous childhood I was I was badly abused between these programs, I ended up also in group homes, things like that, okay, orphanages, you know, just a whole bunch of stuff, and, but eventually, you know, I did end up moving away and moving to my dad’s house, which was like a place of refuge, which was great.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 03:16
However, you know, the damage, a lot of damage was done, and I still was in it on a major inner healing journey, which thankfully, you know, now and that’s part of what I share about in my book as some of the inner healing methods that have really, really helped me to really overcome all of this trauma that I’ve been through. But so yeah, as is very common, I ended up with people who grew up being abused ended up attracting abusive relationships. And so that was just a pretty difficult cycle.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 03:52
And it took a long time to really 100% Break free from but I do believe that. Thankfully, I’ve learned and experienced enough to, not only do I know, you know so much about narcissism and the common traits, which I do share about in the book, many red flags, and potential red flags. Since not every red flag is necessarily a red flag. Not every possible red flag doesn’t necessarily mean someone’s a narcissist. Narcissists tend to be highly intelligent doesn’t mean everyone who’s intelligent narcissists, you know?
[Jacqueline Servantess] 04:29
So yeah, so I just read about all the many common traits, so to speak, and there are three parts cycle and which can be within family or within relationships. And if you’re interested I could share about that and then I also share one of the which is one interesting thing, which is the common thing, that kind of their weakness and that they tend to all have in common, which Yeah, So I find that it’s really helpful. I think when dealing with these types of people to know like, what matters most to them sort of thing. And I don’t know if you’re interested in hearing what it is, but I’m more than happy to share it. Yeah.
[Jon Dabach] 05:17
Well, let’s go through you. Have you talked about a few things? So, first of all red flags before we get into weaknesses? What are some of the red flags people should look out for to know if they’re in an abusive relationship with a narcissist?
[Jacqueline Servantess] 05:34
Okay, well, there’s a lot of traits that these types of people can have. And then there’s the three parts cycle. So the three parts cycle, which definitely person is going to be wanting to look out for, if they’re considering entering a relationship with someone is that at first, they’re going to be really loving, which is interesting, because everyone wants to be with someone who’s really loving kind of , but these people will go want to go really fast.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 06:06
And so it’s important for a woman or a man that’s considering entering in a relationship, they really as much as they may want to be with someone, they really want to have proper boundaries and not go too fast, and take their time and observe the person and get to know them well enough first, before they rush into everything, you know, because this person is going to want to go faster than wanting table their lives with this person quickly, they’re going to make themselves out to be the exact person that the person is looking for, they’ll change who they are to try to be this suppose you know, this person that a person wants.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 06:48
And so it’s important not to even give too much information at first, if you know, if possible, if like what a person even wants, because, you know, we want to really get to know someone for who they are, and not, you know, not give them too much information, because there are actors out there, you know, we want to be honest about it, there are actors out there. So we have to keep our guard up when it comes to that type of thing, you know.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 07:12
So at first, they’ll be really loving the want to go really quickly, in every way, including physically, and then I think, you know, the loss of time to test a person in this space, can they get the person to kind of not be true to themselves in some way, you know, because one of their common traits is they’re controlling.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 07:34
And so if they can see that, they are able to have that type of control over someone where they can get a person to compromise on what’s best for them and what they really want. I believe that is where they’ll really when they see that they can do that, that’s when they’re really going to know okay, I really, you know, this is, this is my target, this is the person that I’m really going to be targeting right now. So after they go through that phase, which a lot of times people call love bombing, then it’ll turn into the abusive face, you know, and it might start slowly and might not be obvious might be more gossiping behind the person’s back where they don’t even realize they’re being abused.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 08:11
But that’s pretty much phase two and the three parts cycle. And depending on how dark the narcissist is, because our different levels, you know, as you know, will affect how bad the abuse could build up to and how much, you know, trauma can be caused. But that’s pretty much phase two. And by that case, hopefully, if someone got that far, with a narcissist, they’ll hopefully recognize something’s not right and end it, you know. And if they don’t, then phase three is when the narcissist will discard the person.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 08:57
And the thing about that is, so they will eventually generally potentially tend to want to restart the cycle eventually. And so if a person has been discarded by a narcissist, at least hopefully now they can really start to you know, process what’s happened and come to terms with it. And be prepared that if that narcissist comes knocking back on the door, trying to love bomb them all over again that this time, they’re not going to answer, you know,
[Jon Dabach] 09:28
What are some of the so I think that I think that was very clear, you have the three phases. So there’s the love bombing, then the abuse and then the abandonment or the discarding whichever way you want to kind of phrase it and then there’s a possible fourth one where they try and bring you back into your life. I think that’s pretty clear.
[Jon Dabach] 09:46
And I think there’s a lot of people listening who might go well, I, I’ve, you know, if you’re not super attuned to what the abuses are, what the love bombing is, it can almost sound like a relationship that just fits pulled out and now we’re getting back together. So can you go into a little bit more about what the I think everyone gets the love bombing moving fast, you know, acting to kind of become that perfect man or woman? Where what does is the abuse look like with a narcissist?
[Jacqueline Servantess] 10:21
Honestly, it could be anything, narcissists are pretty much when it comes to be sell do any type of abuse it can and different people, different narcissists, you know me tend to do different things, but it could be verbal, psychological, mental, you know, and then of course, physical, spiritual, emotional anything, you know, if it’s like, within a church setting, within a synagogue setting, it could be anything, you know, they could use whatever it is to kind of abuse their victims.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 10:52
So like, what, as far as the types, they you know, a lot of times, you know, they can be people in power narcissists. Usually they like to be in power, they like to be in control, they like positions of authority. And again, like I said, not just because someone’s in authority doesn’t mean they’re narcissists. So, you know, we want to consider all the possible traits.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 11:14
And then we can just know that these are possible red flags, and take note of them as we’re kind of observing to see who this person really is. Beyond mirroring the person that’s common in being in a position of authority being very intelligent. They are really one of their top priorities. That’s how people view them. So they really, really, really, and that’s their weakness I was talking about, they really care about how they’re viewed by the public, that’s typically like their top priority. They can be very, they tend to be very impulsive, and they don’t necessarily care about the law. Let’s see, there’s so many.
[Jon Dabach] 12:01
Well, so. So let’s, let’s, let’s step back for a second, because you said there’s so many kinds of abuse? Where does the line get drawn between conflict and abuse, because there are some people who come to me in my private practice, who said, it feels like abuse, but I don’t know if it’s abuse.
[Jon Dabach] 12:19
Or some people were like, when they have a fight with their husband or their wife, they jumped to abuse where I’m like, it’s not really abused, you guys are just having a fight. So I think it’s, it’s helpful to understand when it’s abuse, because if you are an abusive relationship, you should speak out, you should get help. Absolutely. So how do you define it?
[Jacqueline Servantess] 12:41
I think that’s a hard one. Because I think sometimes someone’s not necessarily an abuser. But once in a while, they may lose their temper. And I guess I would say that they’re acting abusive, but they’re not an abuser, you know what I’m saying?
[Jacqueline Servantess] 12:58
Because I don’t think we should be just taking our anger out on people, but it’s human, sometimes people will do it. But I guess I would say if it’s, if it’s something that a person is continually doing, then it’s an issue and but if it’s something that on top of it, they don’t have a problem with it, it’s how they want to be there, they don’t even want to work on it, then that’s an even more serious issue.
[Jon Dabach] 13:30
I think that’s a good sign. Right? That’s, that’s a good kind of benchmark for people to look out for is if you’re with someone who’s constantly yelling, or constantly fighting or talking behind your back, and you bring it up, and they have no desire to change and they don’t see an issue with their behavior, that might be a sign that there’s abuse, I think that’s actually a good a good thing to kind of bring up you talked a little bit about, you know, their image, their kind of outward appearance to people being their weakness. Talk about how you can use that to your advantage if you find yourself in as the victim in the abusive relationship.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 14:09
Dealing with narcissists is complicated and you know, because they also have something called narcissist rage, once they’re exposed, they can completely boost it once they know person sees through them, that’s when you know and they can lose really lose controlling.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 14:23
The thing is, is because these, there’s different types of narcissists, and some can end up being violent, you know. Sometimes we want to pick our battles, you know, sometimes its better just to get out of a situation and not necessarily try to provoke them.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 14:40
Because we know calling them out will might bring out the worst in them. It’s good to they’ll also isolate their victims. And so that’s another thing that’s really important and useful is to try to have a good support system. Try it out people in the picture, whether it’s family coaches, therapists, you know, spiritual, you know, religion, faith type of community, all these things can really help to protect people from being stuck feeling stuck in an abusive relationship with someone.
[Jon Dabach] 15:18
Let’s talk a little bit about red flags some because you talk about the different red flags that a narcissist might have. And granted, not all of them necessarily mean someone’s a narcissist, but might be helpful to go over some of them.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 15:33
Yeah, so they can, like I was saying they can be intelligent, which is definitely not always Narcissus, but something to watch out for. They can have little regard for the law, they can tend to really be very outgoing and what people would call like charming and actually come across as very likable as amazing leaders as the type of people that people actually want to follow.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 16:06
Very you know, quote unquote charismatic like that cannot always but that can definitely be very high tendency for narcissists. Impulsive, they can be irresponsible, when it comes to money, they can really tend to leech off of people, whether it’s the government or their partner, they will also try to like entrap their partner and entangle them and isolate them. So they may want their partner to be dependent on them for money and tell them to quit their jobs, leave their family leave their friends move away somewhere isolated, things like that.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 16:52
They can have anger issues. And yet, like we said, mirroring the person projecting onto the person gas lighting them so if they’re doing something wrong themselves, they might instead blame it tell accuse their victim that they’re doing the exact thing that actually they’re the ones doing themselves.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 17:18
So yeah, just some of the things in with the mirror. And like we said, it’s like acting like the other person being like, who the person wants them to be. Which means anything, they could change the way they dress, change the music, they listen to change the way they talk, just a whole bunch of things, they also will tend to have maybe multiple lives in multiple places.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 17:43
Because that way, it’s kind of easier for them to get away with their you know, deceptions. They’re usually cheaters. So if usually, they’ll have at least one or two people, you know, backups that they’re going to be ready to run to, when the relationship that they’re in is over.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 18:05
They’ll also always have a story you know, they’ll say about their ex, you know, their ex is crazy, they’ll always usually call their victims crazy, or their targets crazy. That’s totally part of the demo.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 18:21
So usually, they’ll have a trail of people that they’ve heard in the past and they’ll have all their stories and they can be very convincing that their ex was so terrible, you know, things of that nature even if they’re married they can you know, make themselves seem like the victim and make it seem like you know, they’re married to this most terrible person when of course it’s the you know, it’s that’s not the truth at all.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 18:43
They’re the ones who are terrorizing you know, pretty much everyone that they go to so if they you know, have a lot of people behind them that have been hurt and you know, that are no longer on speaking terms no longer can have anything to do with them.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 19:00
That’s definitely a huge red flag and if you know if they can’t You know, sometimes people legitimately have like toxic family members and toxic you know, exes but if they don’t have anyone, you know that they’re still on good terms with that’s like, a normal functional person, so to speak, like, definitely huge red flag and they’re very manipulative, though. They’re very, very manipulative, they can be very, very convincing. So just things to be really careful about
[Jon Dabach] 19:33
What is the message that you want to kind of depart people with if they’re in an abusive relationship? What’s the one thing if you could take them aside for two minutes and tell them privately one on one, what would it be?
[Jacqueline Servantess] 19:50
So I guess, if we’re talking I guess I see relationship and marriage as two different things because for me, marriage is like a very serious thing. So if two people are married. It’s, you know, first husband first wife, it’s like, for me, it’s like, and that’s kind of a covenant. That’s, I do believe, you know, sometimes separating divorcing is necessary, but it’s kind of, that’s kind of a difficult thing. Because yeah.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 20:22
But if it’s just a relationship, and they haven’t gotten married, which makes it a lot more complicated, I would say, obviously, you know, you deserve better, you know, love, can common love can go love is, you know, we can feel connection, we can feel an attraction, we can feel a strong love for someone, but we deserve better if they’re an abusive person, if they’re a troubled person, if they’re, you know, a harmful person, and I believe that if a person can find enough of a support system outside of that, that can help remind them of their value.
[Jacqueline Servantess] 21:10
And they’ll realize they’re better off alone, you know, and hopefully, eventually, they can end up with the right person that will be loving, and that will treat them right, and that they will be compatible with and all that all those things because, you know, marriage is kind of the most important decision we can really make with another human being, I believe, and so it has to be based on more than just a feeling. It’s, you know, it’s a partnership. It’s, it’s like, and so we want to, we want it really to be the right person, and we definitely don’t want it to be an abusive person.
[Jon Dabach] 21:53
And so thank you so much for sharing your story and sharing your wisdom. Jacqueline Servantess is book The Other Woman helping to protect a woman from narcissist married men can be found on Amazon and also on her website, Jacqueline Servantess ministry.com. I’ll put the link in the show notes for anybody when interested in reading more about her work.
[Jon Dabach] 22:16
And it’s Servantess with an S E R V A N T E S S Jacqueline Cervantes ministries.com. Thank you so much for being on the show. If you’re interested in learning how to get the absolute most out of your romantic relationships, then you’re in luck because I have put together a free workshop or masterclass if you will, about three secrets that people in happy relationships have discovered. You can view the workshop and mrspirituality.com/threesecrets again, it’s completely free. Just go there and watch it. It’ll help you on your journey, give you some wisdom. Some things to think about. The website again is mrspirituality.com/three secrets. That’s mrspirituality.com/the Number three, the word secrets. It’s all yours. Enjoy.