Riana Milne, MA is a certified global life and love trauma recovery coach, a certified clinical trauma and addictions professional, a certified mindfulness coach, #1 bestselling author, the host of her podcast called Lessons in Life & Love, an educational speaker, and a licensed mental health counselor for over 21 years living in Palm Beach County, Florida.
You can find her online at:
And she has a special free gift for listeners of this podcast which can be found here:
https://bit.ly/LifeandLoveBundle
Transcript:
[Jon Dabach] 00:00
Today on the relationship Revival Show we’re talking to Riana Milne. Riana is a certified global life and love trauma recovery coach, a certified clinical trauma and addictions professional, also a certified mindfulness coach, a number one best-selling author and the host of her very own podcast called lessons in life and love.
[Jon Dabach] 00:19
She’s an educational speaker, a licensed mental health counselor for well over 20 years now living in Palm Beach, Florida. And I am really excited to have her on the show to talk about the way she approaches relationships. He has a no nonsense lots to learn, kind of let’s get this done attitude.
[Jon Dabach] 00:36
And I think that a lot of people listening to this will connect with her spirit and her sense of how she approaches relationships in general, you’re listening to the relationship revival podcast with [Jon Dabach] , also known as Mr. Spirituality.
[Jon Dabach] 00:50
That’s me. I’m your host giving you insights and guidance from over 10 years in the field of this amazing journey we call romance on this show, I go over everything you need to know about how to get into a relationship, how to get the most out of a relationship, and sometimes even how to gracefully end a relationship without pulling your hair out and going crazy.
[Jon Dabach] 01:11
And occasionally, I’m even joined by new and old friends who are also relationship experts to bring you guidance and wisdom with new perspectives. Thanks for stopping by Riana Milne, thank you so much for being on my show. I’m so excited to have you here.
[Riana Milne] 01:26
Thank you for having me, John. It’s great to be here.
[Jon Dabach] 01:29
You do some pretty in depth work with people, specifically with love and trauma. And I find when I practice that a lot of those go hand in hand, the trauma kind of gets in the way of love. I see couples exclusively I know you work a lot with individuals that you know. So it’s said there’s some overlap, but it’s interesting. Tell us first, how you got into it. What’s the story? How did you kind of discover this as your main avenue of what you want to do?
[Riana Milne] 01:58
Okay, I mean, I do couples as well. But I primarily see singles, I see straight LGBTQ men, individual men, individual women, from 16 to 76. So how I got into it years ago was my very dear best friend was killed by a drunk driver. I was 16. And I asked to go to counseling.
[Riana Milne] 02:18
And my mom’s there, no one in this family will ever go to counseling. And then in my defiance, I said, well, then I will grow up and become one. And so my healing came from reading books. And I was reading a lot of mindset books, Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra, Dalai Lama, Marianne Williamson, A Course of Miracles, all kinds of different philosophy, psychology books. And I knew that’s what I wanted to do.
[Riana Milne] 02:43
I was also doing a lot of modeling and acting at that time, went to Penn State for broadcast communication, and then opened up my own model and talent school at age 26. But in that time, I dated someone from Penn State, and we ended up marrying, that’s kind of what our generation did you married your college sweetheart.
[Riana Milne] 03:03
And you ended up being very toxic and stole 200,000 from my mother. And because of all the right thing to do, yeah, she frauded her, I took on that debt. And it took me 16 years of working, but I always tended to have my own business and mindset kept me going and kept me strong, was not in the victim mentality at all. And I did very well with my model and talent, school and agency.
[Riana Milne] 03:29
And I was teaching those people from Erie, Pa small town, how to go out and compete in the big time now laying New York across the seas as a model in Paris. And they all did quite well. So I had that for 10 years, sold it and then I went back to school to get a triple Master’s in applied clinical and counseling psychology. And then years later, I went back for CCTV Certified Clinical trauma professional, advanced. So that’s pretty,
[Jon Dabach] 03:56
Pretty interesting journey. How do you find that childhood dropped trauma and things that have happened in the past? You know, what are those negative effects have on adults when they’re suddenly now starting to look into the relationship?
[Riana Milne] 04:12
World? This is what happened when I had a second love trauma. He looked at me and says, I don’t know what the matter with me is.
[Riana Milne] 04:19
I sabotage everything I love. My head’s going through the DSM four, which is our manual for diagnosis for therapists. And I’m like, I don’t know what you have either. But I’m going to figure it out. Because childhood trauma in my schooling was never mentioned. We never heard that term. Nor was loved trauma. Neither one are in the book for diagnosis, nor should they be.
[Riana Milne] 04:41
So I went into the deep psychological journals as patching everything together, and I’m like, oh, my God, I need to take this message to the world. Because this is a reason so many couples are struggling. And people are struggling in life, love and business success as well.
[Riana Milne] 04:57
So there was more than 10 traumas identified, but because I had to work so much to pay back that huge debt, I was always carrying five jobs at a time. So when I worked in mental health war for kids five to 19 years old, I worked in a school with a trauma counselor, every grade level kindergarten all the way through college, I worked as school psychologists high school level, my own practice therapy by the sea, and in a drug and alcohol rehab, because I’m also a drug and alcohol counselor.
[Riana Milne] 05:29
So I had one for adolescents and one for women from the prison system. So with all these different populations, ages, cultures, that was the same top 10 traumas that kept coming up. So in 2012, I invented what’s called the childhood trauma checklist, a very easy checklist for my clients to use to see what went on in their childhood. What’s going on for them now as an adult, where they’re struggling, and then I put the puzzle pieces together. So if you’re joking, norms and the behavioral patterns keep going
[Jon Dabach] 06:02
From can you? Can you give us an example from the checklist? So we can you know, yeah, and we’re listening can connect the dots a little? Yeah,
[Riana Milne] 06:09
It important to know the top 10 traumas or doesn’t take me that long to go through them. Yeah, go for it. Okay, so first of all, our listeners need to know that childhood trauma is not about blaming parents or anyone from our past or feeling shame if you’ve had it. And 2021 the research actually shows 100% of us have childhood trauma.
[Riana Milne] 06:29
When I was doing the research back in 2011, and 2012, it said 90% could identify with childhood trauma. Now it’s 100. Okay, second is it’s shown to go through at least three generations, it also changes gene expression DNA, as found working with the offspring from families of Holocaust survivors. So it’s very interesting study and it gets deeper and deeper.
[Riana Milne] 06:55
But as your child again, you’re just a part of your environment, right? So it’s not your fault of childhood trauma, it existed. All right. So the first one is if there’s any addiction in your home, so I’m an addictions counselor, I named 12 of them.
[Riana Milne] 07:10
Drugs, alcohol, sex, meaning you knew your parent was a cheater, porn use gambling, hoarding, spending, eating, gaming, TV watching workaholism, and computer addiction. So just being on the computers all the time, then trauma two is verbal messaging.
[Riana Milne] 07:29
So not hearing I love you or not hearing compliments. Instead, hearing verbal put downs like change that outfit you look fat in that, or no, you don’t need to go to college, I won’t waste my money on that. You know, just as verbal slurs and put downs or witnessing a lot of yelling and screaming, either toward you or your parents towards each other.
[Riana Milne] 07:51
Trauma three is emotional abuse and neglect, trauma for physical abuse and a hitting, rape or molestation, trauma five is around abandonment and I need two types fault and no fault. So a no fault abandonment, whether it be if a parent happened to die early, or leaving the family to go serve for war for their country.
[Riana Milne] 08:13
A fault abandonment would be never been an active in your child’s life or being active to the couple breaks up. And then they’re in and out of their lives not consistent, or an emotional band. And that could be they’re still physically in the house but not actively or emotionally engaging with their child much at all.
[Riana Milne] 08:30
Just kind of ignores the kid. Okay, the next one, trauma six is if you’re part of adoption, foster care, or needing to go live in someone else’s house. Now, I’m sure you’ve heard of the Kaiser Permanente study, which was called the ACE test. Well, when that came out, I was appalled that they did not have kids of foster care or kids of adoption because those were the ones I saw the mental health ward. Okay, so I did this check was based on my real work experience.
[Riana Milne] 08:59
I’m like, how could they forget that trauma seven they didn’t have which I call personal trauma. That was bullying. I think they’ve since added it. But you know, I was bullied. I know how traumatic that was. Or if you felt different in any way in school, so are gay and lesbian kids trying to come out if they’re not accepted by family or peers?
[Riana Milne] 09:21
You know, if you’re all American and African American student and all Caucasian school, you might feel different shores, maybe yeah, that’d be overweight child you might have been teased for that. Okay. Next one. Trauma. Eight is around the sibling.
[Riana Milne] 09:36
So your sibling could have been the golden child the favored one by mom and dad, the star athlete and more handsome, beautiful, smarter student. The sibling could have bullied you or they could have been born with a medical issue that commanded more moms and dads time. Trauma nine has two parts now trauma 11 had to come down because when I made this list, it wasn’t very active. Sure.
[Riana Milne] 09:59
On a nine, the first one is community trauma. Well COVID falls under community trauma. So you can see how that impact not only the community, but the world at large. Okay, it’s also our Mother Nature events, so anything impacting the community.
[Riana Milne] 10:15
The other part of mine is family trauma. So for parents incarcerated, if you’re moving a lot because of your military family, you’re the new kid in the school all the time, or you grew up with a lot of lack or poverty in a dangerous area.
[Riana Milne] 10:29
Trauma 10 is mental health issues and mom and dad, the most difficult for kids is borderline, which is erratic moods, when they’re good, they’re great when they’re bad, they’re horrid. And the child never knows what they’re going to get. And then bipolar is manic depressive.
[Riana Milne] 10:45
So those are the top 10 that I name and on that checklist, my clients can easily see what they experienced. And then I find out what their relationship history are, then I have to heal trauma Partner A, Partner B and the relationship some treating three entities from trauma.
[Jon Dabach] 11:05
So let’s say someone has, let’s just pick one. So their trauma, their main trauma is addiction in the family, whatever addiction it is, do you see that have a consistent manifestation in the person as they struggle? Okay, so
[Riana Milne] 11:21
Let’s say a man grows up with knowing his father’s a cheater. So now that’s normalized to him, he’s cheating on his wife. While it’s not a big deal, I grew up with that. And she came from a more religious family, and she would never have been thought of that was wrong, that’s against their family rules and the spiritual rules they follow, right?
[Riana Milne] 11:43
So it’s the norms, what became normalized for kids that you bring into your adult love relationship. So let’s show how this shows up. If we have someone who’s jealous and controlling, that’s coming from trauma, seven not feeling good enough. And trauma to verbal messaging, someone that is lying, a charmer, that might have been someone who was afraid of severe punishment from, let’s say, an alcoholic father.
[Riana Milne] 12:12
So he learned to live really well, because 50% He might have gotten away with the beating if he lived really well. And he learned to become a manipulator in life. And a lot of women grow up to be people pleasers, if they have that very difficult Mother, you know, yelling and screaming at them. Well, they would overdo and clean the house and get the kids ready.
[Riana Milne] 12:33
These are the women that I say that say I lost myself, I did everything for my kids and my husband to show them love. They do nothing for me back. And now I have nothing in my life. Right. So these are the people pleasers tend to be women. There’s a lot of false unrealistic expectations about what relationships should be.
[Riana Milne] 12:52
That can be either idealization, or falsely assuming that your partner’s cheating if they’re late for work, because you grew up with that cheating parent. So you lack trust for the opposite sex. Right? So there’s all different kinds of combinations that come up. But those are just a few examples.
[Jon Dabach] 13:10
And what do you see in terms of trauma, leading to, you know, a toxic personality? When does that happen? Because not everybody has a toxic personality, but we all have trauma. So when does that connect? And when doesn’t it?
[Riana Milne] 13:25
Yeah, there’s well, there’s 36 red flags. And I give my singles when they’re dating that they know to watch out for. One could be love bombing, like overdoing the mess, the text messages and phone calls. And when you’re going to be home hon well, how long like getting timed. But in the beginning, they’re just
[Jon Dabach] 13:46
Timed as love bombing.
[Riana Milne] 13:49
Timed out? Yeah. Well, how long are you going to be? How much longer you know? And if you’re meeting runs late, they’re yelling at well, where’d you go? There, assuming you did something wrong.
[Jon Dabach] 13:59
But it’s interesting. I just I’ve heard the term love bombing. I don’t use it because it’s because people misuse it so much, but that’s interesting. So there’s, there’s that negative side to it, where it’s like where you know, the control.
[Riana Milne] 14:10
I’m just worried about you. Right, right. Or they’re texting all the time. So where are you? When will you be leaving? When do you think you’ll be home? You know, but there’s a lot that goes along with that. So that’s jealousy control. You know, not feeling good enough it can be very dangerous go into stalking and so forth.
[Riana Milne] 14:29
But you know, my clients my singles have 24 questions are asking when they’re out on a date. They know by date one or day two, is this person toxic or not? And they know why. It’s really important knowledge is power. Today, you have to watch out for a lot of things going on in dating world. You have to have the right profile and need the right pictures.
[Riana Milne] 14:50
You need to be able to identify the player type early on. And some people when they’re lacking that love that they didn’t grow up with they have a bad diminishes. This is when we get into codependency love addiction, our Rs, or our SS relationship repetition syndrome.
[Riana Milne] 15:09
That means consciously they know this guy’s not right for me or woman, and they break up and then 10 days to 14 days later they get back together then they break up again. There’s actually research on it that this pattern happens seven times in most couples. So they are so addicted. We call that love addicted that they can’t break what we call the trauma bonds. And how does
[Jon Dabach] 15:32
How do your 24 questions break through someone who’s actively manipulating?
[Riana Milne] 15:38
Well, it really depends on the questions and how they answer it. I can just give you a sample question. So yes, someone in my age, which is a baby boomer, a common question is how was your mom and dad’s still living and where? Where are they?
[Riana Milne] 15:52
You know, I had a woman asked that on a date. She goes, Oh, firstly, single charming pulled out my chair got me a drink offered me to order some food. You know, he seemed really great. And I just asked some of these questions. And there’s Oh, my dad died a while ago. And so I thought that’s a shame we close with your dad. Well, not in the beginning.
[Riana Milne] 16:12
He was a raging alcoholic. But at 13 He finally stopped and he apologized for all the drinking. And he would take me fishing on camping trips. And she got well that’s nice that that healed over time because yeah, we became close. So it’s conversational.
[Riana Milne] 16:28
And he goes, but my mom, she never stop basically, my mom’s, you know, called her name. And if I didn’t have to go see, and in the old age home, I wouldn’t. Now the woman knew Oh, boy, he hates his mom. We call that simply a mother hater.
[Riana Milne] 16:42
Okay, which is not good, because you’re never going to really respect the woman that you’re with. So and he goes, Oh, shoot, you can heal that with her. She’s up in age. Now. He goes, No, I, you know, I’m the only one that has to take care of her.
[Riana Milne] 16:56
Now she’s a burden. So it was one negative thing after another and she could feel it inside that. This is not someone I want to date. And you know, one of my books love beyond your dreams. The number one best seller on Amazon goes into these questions of what you’re looking for with the whys and why nots. So she decided when he called the next day, she just was really nice meeting you.
[Riana Milne] 17:18
I just don’t think we’re quite a match. I don’t think we’ll be dating again. Because why not? She doesn’t like rather not go into it. But I really wish you the best she was trying to be. And he started screaming at her was I’m sorry, I don’t take this kind of behavior and hung up the phone.
[Riana Milne] 17:32
And she just laughed. She goes, I knew it. And we’re gone. It was right. So we just know from the patterns, what is good, what is bad and why?
[Riana Milne] 17:43
You know, so he doesn’t have the ability to you know, he wanted love so much from his mother. But if she was not the perfect woman for him doing exactly what he wanted to these false expectations of what a woman should be. Yeah, yeah. So it goes very deep. It’s deeper psychology. And there’s a lot to learn.
[Jon Dabach] 18:03
Yeah, it’s interesting. So it’s, you kind of are the first two dates. It’s a lot of detective work. Is that kind of how you work with your single?
[Riana Milne] 18:12
Well, you know, I call this hookup culture. And it used to be only known for kids. Now it’s worse than the senior population. I live in Florida. Men are trying to hook up date one, two, and three. I’m like, yeah, who made up that rule the men of the world.
[Riana Milne] 18:26
So women who are doing this are making huge mistakes. And it’s just crazy. You need to get some information before you decide to become intimate with everybody. You know, who this person is. And the research shows, you know, the first 90 days are usually pretty perfect. But then month four to nine, you start seeing the toxic behavior come out.
[Riana Milne] 18:48
That’s the time period or if you live together, get engaged, get married, have a child, there’s just some transitional periods where toxic behavior can show up.
[Jon Dabach] 18:59
Yeah, three months, four month four, yeah, some people obviously will crack earlier than that if they can.
[Riana Milne] 19:08
If they like us, they can hold it too long to gather us about a month and a half. They try to limit their drinks and then they feel it’s comfortable. Then they’ll start drinking or whatever. Yeah, so you see some signs early on.
[Jon Dabach] 19:23
I know you talk about the three personality types, the severe ones that are pretty dangerous that could break your heart. Why don’t you kind of go over the three and how to
[Riana Milne] 19:35
Actually 19 personalities that can break your heart.
[Jon Dabach] 19:39
I think I read in one of your things, but the three severe personality types you could break your heart the differences between maybe your tie I was
[Riana Milne] 19:48
One of love beyond your dreams. Okay. 19 of them. Okay, what is the mother hater? There’s an example there. One is called Peter Pan man. This is the guy that never grows up with their Other be out with his buddies drinking, coming onto girls pull up, pulls off his wedding ring flirts hopes to get lucky we see these become the golf guys. Packs of four or five guys traveling to Florida away from their wives and families and hope to score and we’re like, oh, you’re a vacationer.
[Riana Milne] 20:19
Oh, you’re a golfer? It was just kind of like boom, boom. Yeah. And I thank you. So it’s just kind of that type of person. Definitely the sociopath, the narcissist, the narcissist, a sociopath is someone who uses another one, a person for pleasure or profit or lifestyle advancement.
[Riana Milne] 20:40
People are curious about personality type, you should see the series 30 John on Netflix shows a clear example, this man had a very horrible childhood, a lot of childhood trauma. They’re usually very high on the scale, eight nines and 10s with severity levels of nines and 10s.
[Riana Milne] 20:58
And then they go after someone and become the perfect boyfriend. This is where the love bombing comes in. The perfect person. And then they when the victim tried to go for an early marriage, some women are like, Oh, I’m so flattered. You want to marry me in a month. That’s it. That’s a red flag. You know why so fast? You know. So there’s a lot that have deep work. They’re
[Jon Dabach] 21:23
Interesting. When people are going away from singles for a second, when people are in a relationship, you’ve touched on it a little bit. And, you know, let’s say you do have a woman who is that people pleaser, and she’s lived for her husband and her kids. And it’s 20 years in or 26 years in, right? What are the steps to change the direction of the next 26 years?
[Riana Milne] 21:50
Yeah, that’s most of my clients I work with. The first step is reached out to me for life and love transformation discovery session, where I find out what their childhood traumas are, and what they’re struggling with. Now, how toxic How long was the marriage?
[Riana Milne] 22:04
How long did they stay in a marriage where they weren’t happy? Many of them, say 10 or more years. It’s crazy, how long and they have to really reinvent themselves. So my life and love transformation programs are there for six months. It’s either a 90 page notebook or 150 page workbook. And we work as a team. I work as a counselor, I’m a coach, and I’m a global life love Trauma Recovery mindset coach.
[Riana Milne] 22:31
So the mindset program I call is mindset for success. I’ve been teaching that over 40 years. So we have to change the fear base negative thinking, that comes from trauma, and that keeps people stuck and create the life they desire. That’s part four, part one.
[Riana Milne] 22:48
So healing the trauma, spiritual transformation, faith, the healing of the trauma, understanding the trauma, rewriting the story, all the trauma tools that I use, then part two, is a dating and relationship education that they really need. And they have not been out dating for years and years and years. So you know, things like flying monkeys and bread, crumbing and ghosting and, you know, they just think, Oh, great, I’ll go out I’ll date and I’ll fall in love. Now, there’s a lot to watch out for. And they have to be very smart and educated and very consciously aware when they’re dating today.
[Jon Dabach] 23:25
Well, is there a way for them to stay within the marriage because you’re talking about them kind of leaving and dating or is it too late for most of them when they’re they believe I
[Riana Milne] 23:35
Have couples you had asked me about a single person. So yeah, even a single
[Jon Dabach] 23:39
Person, like let’s say a woman says I’m unhappy in my marriage. I’m coming to you and my husband doesn’t want to go to therapy, but I’m trying to see if I want to stay in.
[Riana Milne] 23:47
Okay, well, I had a guy Bob come to me from he’s about to be on my podcast. A reliever out west his wife refused to go she goes on when to keep going to counseling. Counseling is called beat up Bob day. And he felt he was never heard. And they were there over a year.
[Riana Milne] 24:04
He goes on ready to leave. He goes, but I heard a pot you on my podcast, and I knew I had childhood trauma. His mother was very critical. So every time his wife asked him for something all here was, this is negative. I’m getting attacked again. He is emotionally triggered and he would yell back, he goes, I know I shouldn’t yell. I got to get rid of my anger.
[Riana Milne] 24:23
I got to get rid of these behavioral patterns, because that’s how my dad responded. I said, you’re very smart. That’s exactly what we’re going to work on. So I had to heal his trauma. And he signed up for the six month program with me. They’re happier than they’ve ever been. They vacation all the time.
[Riana Milne] 24:40
I see those holding hands in their pictures on my Facebook page and going vacations everywhere. He never vacation before. So the whole thing changed because a I could change him. I could change. Heal his trauma. We can’t change the other meaning the other person.
[Riana Milne] 24:57
Yeah, no, they can change him and I also teach them lot of what we call empowered communication, you have to learn how to talk to your partner through this stuff. And if she’s not understanding the childhood trauma, he has to then explain it to her. She came in for one session, and I said, he’s ready to walk out the door. He’s 42. He’s handsome, he lost 35 pounds while he’s working with me.
[Riana Milne] 25:20
His business has doubled. In four months, his income is double. He’s finally doing the flipping projects. He’s always wanted to flip houses, he’s finally got one that he’s doing. I said, you got to decide you’re in or you’re out because he’s ready to go. I can tell you within a week, he walks out that door, it’s going to be a lot of women that want to be with him. And it was true, because he totally redid himself. And he stopped all the behavioral patterns, the yelling, the screaming, they, you know, yelling at her and blaming her for his feelings. He finally knew how to own it and change it with mindset work. So I can change a whole couple with one person. Is it easier if I have two willing partners? Absolutely. My work is easier. Yeah. And that’s not the only one I had another woman with divorce papers. This guy was a chronic cheater, couple of mine up in New Jersey. And he was able to win her back. They’re still together. I think I treated those 2004 because I’ve been at this game 23 years now. So and they’re still together. So that’s 1020 years. 20 years since that’s about
[Jon Dabach] 26:27
Yeah, yeah. Well, what’s the best way for someone to reach out and if they if they like what you’re saying and they and they like this is
[Riana Milne] 26:36
What I can I work with singles and couples exclusives narrates it doesn’t matter. My best place is my website. It’s Riana. milne.com and on there you can do the for free love test. One of them is a childhood trauma checklist is a free eBook right on the homepage. And there’s an offer like at a really great promotional rate to meet with me for life and love transformation discovery session. And then I have a podcast that’s free. It’s called lessons in life and love with Coach Riana, Milne and I have 115 shows over 250 on my YouTube channel. So that’s a great place to get some support to
[Jon Dabach] 27:14
Thank you so much for being here us on I really appreciate all your time and wisdom.
[Riana Milne] 27:18
You’re welcome. Thank you so much.
[Jon Dabach] 27:20
If you’re interested in learning how to get the absolute most out of your romantic relationships then you’re in luck because I have put together a free workshop or masterclass if you will, about three secrets that people in happy relationships have discovered. You can view the workshop and mrspirituality.com/threesecrets again, it’s completely free. Just go there and watch it it’ll help you on your journey give you some wisdom. Some things to think about. The website again is mrspirituality.com/threesecrets. That’s mrspirituality.com/the Number three, the word secrets. It’s all yours. Enjoy.
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