You can find Tamika on the web at:
IG – @tamika_carltonjbp
[Jon Dabach] 00:00
Today on the relationship Revival Show we’re talking to [Tamika Carlton]. Tamika is a passionate relationship coach who believes in the power of connection she uses her skills to foster intimacy and transparency between couples believing that through love we can build happier and more connected societies. She has gained recognition from leading media outlets such as The Oprah Winfrey Show, authority magazine and her foreword for her gentle yet impactful approach.
[Jon Dabach] 00:27
And she throws these amazing couples retreats that I am super excited to dive into with her. You’re listening to the relationship revival podcast with [Jon Dabach], also known as Mr. Spirituality. That’s me. I’m your host giving you insights and guidance from over 10 years in the field of this amazing journey we call romance on this show, I go over everything you need to know about how to get into a relationship, how to get the most out of a relationship, and sometimes even how to gracefully end a relationship without pulling your hair out and going crazy.
[Jon Dabach] 01:01
And occasionally, I’m even joined by new and old friends who are also relationship experts to bring you guidance and wisdom with new perspectives. Thanks for stopping by. To make a Carleton, thanks for being on the program.
[Tamika Carlton] 01:15
[Jon Dabach] 01:17
Yeah, I’m excited to talk to you because not everybody has the courage and the brazenness to hold couples retreats. I know I’ve never done it. And it sounds like fun. But there’s a lot that goes into the coordination. And obviously, sometimes things come up that you need to work through. And so I know there’s lots of things that you do, but as a coach, I want to kind of jump right into the retreat world and what that looks like and what that what the experience is actually like,
[Tamika Carlton] 01:50
Yeah, no, that’s awesome. Thanks for asking. You’re absolutely right, it is a lot of work to plan and coordinate retreats as a whole. But when you start getting into couples, it’s a whole different story.
[Tamika Carlton] 02:01
But it’s a lot of research and a lot of contacting, you know, personally like host and different restaurants and all of the things but ultimately, for us, for a couple’s experience, the inclusive relationship company that I have, we are all about ensuring that when you come to a retreat, you do not have to worry about anything like right, besides getting there, you are going to arrive, you’re going to be taken care of from you know, coming to the airport, you’re going to get luxury transportation, you’re going to stay in a luxurious retreat space, whether that’s like we’ve gone to a villa in Italy, and you have access to breakfast, lunch and dinner.
[Tamika Carlton] 02:42
And you have the opportunity. I’m very much a stickler about providing people with their own quality time. There’s activities that are planned, but there is also ample time for you to relax and enjoy the enjoy. And the location. Because ultimately, we want you to have a great positive experience in the place, not just with the people. But really, overall, you know, you can, you can ensure that or know for sure that you’ll have like a chef, you will have active activities, whether it’s outside or in the villa or the place that we’re staying.
[Tamika Carlton] 03:20
And then there’s also one on one coaching, if you so choose. And then a lot of times my favorite is really like the fireside chats and the opportunities to go to dinner, whether it’s a really nice exclusive, like luxury dinner environment. But the conversations that are had during these dinners and fireside chats are so intimate and explorative like people share things that they probably would have never shared with anyone else. But when you’re going to face work with like-minded individuals, something miraculous occurs when people become more open. So that’s my favorite part about the retreats.
[Jon Dabach] 04:01
Yeah, it’s all it’s like group therapy, but with this luxurious kind of setting where everybody’s
[Tamika Carlton] 04:08
Easier when you have a luxurious setting. And sometimes wine helps. But a lot of times, it really is about being able to connect people connect to people without judgment.
[Jon Dabach] 04:23
Not really nice. Yeah, that’s really good. How long have you been doing these for?
[Tamika Carlton] 04:27
We’ve been doing so we’ve been in business since 2018. Since then, obviously the pandemic hit but we’ve done about four retreats since then. And we have three coming up in the next year. So picking
[Jon Dabach] 04:39
Up steam obviously. Yeah, yeah, thankfully. And that’s kind of your that’s your benchmark kind of offering to people is this retreat, am I right?
[Tamika Carlton] 04:48
Yes, it is. It you know it’s the higher offer higher priced offer but we are launching our samples a couple of weeks subscription gift box, which I’m really excited about in the middle Tell me more about that. So the couple’s subscription gift box will be coming out in the next bout 45 days. And really, we have planned out specific themes for couples to subscribe to. And each individual box has about five to eight high end gifts that are going to increase your connection and increase your conversation and really build like a quality relationship.
[Tamika Carlton] 05:27
And we also include there’s a scavenger hunt that we include in each box, which is so fun. Yeah. And then there is also an activity that we plan for you that you can do at home or wherever you want to want to do it. But it’s it’s the point is to be interactive, and also provide this experience beyond you having to plan anything, just receive the box, and you have this great enlightenment experience.
[Jon Dabach] 05:56
So like the mental gymnastics that people typically have to do to plan like a fun day, you’re taking that out of the equation,
[Tamika Carlton] 06:05
Date night and one that explorative. And that, like you said, you don’t have to plan because we’ve all been there. I don’t like dinner, I don’t want to. I don’t want to think about anything besides happiness. Okay.
[Jon Dabach] 06:18
And my running joke is if I ever opened a restaurant, it would be you choose, and that’d be the name of the restaurant. So that every couple would get there, you know, where do you choose you choose? Love that idea. So and when you say we are you doing this with your partner is is
[Tamika Carlton] 06:40
My husband, we’ve been married, we’ve been together since 2016 been married since 2018. And you know, one of the main reasons that we, you know, I came up with idea, ultimately, but we had a conversation about it. One of the main reasons that we are really passionate about this is because although we haven’t been together for 50 years, or 15 years, or whatever, we’ve really recognized that relationships are hard, you know, and people don’t really talk about that.
[Tamika Carlton] 07:07
Like, they’re just like, oh my gosh, I love my husband, I love my partner. And a lot of times, you know, when you in order to get to this favorable quality relationship, you have to go through the struggles and communicate and connect on a level that is not always comfortable for people. And I’ve really wanted people to have a real transparent, candid opportunity to understand what relationships are about.
[Jon Dabach] 07:34
Oh, nice. And you know what, I think that the fact that you haven’t been married for 20 years, you only got married seven years ago,
[Tamika Carlton] 07:44
Or so we’ve been together for seven years married for about five. Okay, so
[Jon Dabach] 07:48
You’ve been married for five, but that you had the awareness, the self-awareness to realize, hey, this isn’t the dream scenario that I had in my head? How do I correct this course? So early in the marriage, and kind of not only did you do it for yourselves, but said, let’s do this for other people. That’s pretty, that’s pretty great. Most people, you know, most people that I see, when they come into my private practice, have been married for seven to 1015 years and are just going there, maybe things can be better. But you know, the fact that you did it so early, kind of shows that you’re like, you don’t take no for an answer, like I want what I want. And I know I can have it.
[Tamika Carlton] 08:32
And you know, I’m, I’m a strong believer, and there’s data that shows that quality relationships heighten your experience in life. And I think that, you know, in order to get to cross the threshold of it being a quality relationship, you have to go through the challenging things. And you’re right, a lot of people aren’t consciously aware, or they just don’t want to admit that this is the reality, or they don’t want to really push through the tough times, or they don’t want to push through the tough times. And a way that breaks the barriers, like you have to really break down your own personal barriers to get to the other side. And yeah,
[Jon Dabach] 09:14
I know there’s this famous, I think its Harvard, I think Harvard did this study, and it’s like 60 years or 50 years long. It’s like one of the most extensive studies on joy, and then measured people across different cultures and different socio economic backgrounds.
[Jon Dabach] 09:30
And, you know, it’s funny because like people in our space, the results were pretty self-evident that he didn’t do the study, but the results were like joy, pretty much universally across the board, no matter where you’re from, or what is all about the relationships you have.
[Jon Dabach] 09:46
Yes, it doesn’t matter how much money it doesn’t matter how much you’ve achieved doesn’t matter what causes you fight for the cause. There are people who fight for amazing causes and get a lot done and they found Yeah, but if they don’t have the relationships, there is no drill weigh in their life. And I have had, I just had to have this exact conversation with one of my kids, because they got their iPad taken away. And they, they were like grumpy, you know, like, going on a week. And it’s like, I’m just miserable. And I’m like, this one our life is about, like,
[Tamika Carlton] 10:17
You know what you did to me?
[Jon Dabach] 10:20
Yeah, it’s like, you know, and then you realize, like, for, for, for that age group, he’s 11. It’s like cutting off an arm, you know, like, they just because they don’t realize the relationships are and so you know, but it’s some tough love, for sure.
[Tamika Carlton] 10:38
And there’s value in and understanding getting to understand that at a younger age. Yeah. And, you know, one of the reasons that I’m so adamant about connecting people, and ensuring that we have quality relationships is because I lost my father at a young age. And when I lost him, I was abruptly introduced to this new reality of life is short. And ultimately, when you don’t have any more time to connect with the people that are no longer here, you miss out on the opportunity to be bonded and have that quality relationship.
[Tamika Carlton] 11:17
So I’m like, why do we waste time? Ensure that we are connecting to the appropriate people in the best way possible? Right? Yeah. And that’s so important to me. And that’s a piece of couples experiences, like, you know, couples have an opportunity to connect with us, Logan and I, themselves, each other and other couples. And that value proposition is so long term, it goes beyond just your, the like your nucleus of your relationship, when you have different experiences together. It just allows you to be more than you could have ever dreamed to me. So that’s why couples experience exists,
[Jon Dabach] 12:02
Right? Do you ever do you offer any kind of services yet outside of the experience, like one on one coaching?
[Tamika Carlton] 12:09
I do one on one coaching on occasion? I definitely am. You know, trying to ensure that my time is, you know, distributed accordingly. But yes, I do offer one on one coaching, which I love. And I feel like there’s you know, a lot of times people connect and are able to share things that they wouldn’t normally share. And yeah,
[Jon Dabach] 12:32
Well, I mean, I just assume if somebody’s going on a five to seven day retreat with they, and they’re and they have a great time, and yeah, I mean, everyone kind of has a great time on a retreat. It’s yeah, but it’s like, okay, well, what do you do when you get home? You know, like, sometimes that relationship with you continues? Yeah, it’s
[Tamika Carlton] 12:51
a lot of follow up, and a lot of follow up sessions, which is great, because, you know, you you break down the initial issue, and then you’re like, how do I fix that? And a lot of is one on one conversations.
[Jon Dabach] 13:04
What do you what do you find that that is shocking to couples that comes up in these fireside chats that you have on vacation? Where someone goes, really you feel that way? Or that’s the way you think, is there like a common theme?
[Tamika Carlton] 13:19
I think, a lot of times for our couple’s retreats, a lot of times people are, they feel like, you know, a lot of times, it’s the males and the males are like, but I am listening to you. Like, a lot of times a woman doesn’t feel heard or listened to and the male figures like but I am listening. But you’re not hearing me either. I think that’s the most common thread is like people don’t feel heard or listened to, like my needs being met, your needs are not being met. So what’s
[Jon Dabach] 13:53
The solution that you kind of steer them towards? If that comes up in every session?
[Tamika Carlton] 13:58
Right, we have to have a conversation about what is it that you’re not being heard about? And then a lot of times it has more to do with their own circumstances and not the meeting of the minds. Does that make sense? So what so how do you get them out of it? How do you Oh, I definitely we typically talk it out and we discover what the foundational issue is. And then we do activities around making sure that we are listening.
[Tamika Carlton] 14:28
And a lot of times it is like activities about you going home and practicing talking through things and repeating things back to one another.
[Jon Dabach] 14:37
Right that reflective listening, like Yeah, and Margo uses a lot of that.
[Tamika Carlton] 14:44
And a lot of times people are because you hear what you want to hear not actually the words that are coming out of someone’s mouth, you know, and a lot of one of my biggest things that I always say is, you know, I know the words that I’m saying and I mean every word that I say versus, oh, I didn’t really mean that. I was just saying this because it made me feel this way know the words that I’m saying, if I tell you, you hurt my feelings because of this, I’m not telling.
[Tamika Carlton] 15:11
And that’s a lot of it too. It’s like, let’s dive into clearly using our words, versus just, you know, being more general, a lot of times we get into arguments, men, it’s like, you didn’t do this. And you’re like, I really wish you would have done this, because, and then there’s more of an understanding there about why it’s not me being a nag. Me really trying to get to a solution, or solve something that is bothering the house or whatever it may be.
[Jon Dabach] 15:43
Yeah, I’m right there with you. I tell all my couples, when you make it about your own emotions, they can argue because only you get to decide when you’re sad when you’re frustrated when you’re feeling betrayed. And it also sends an alert to their brain that hey, my partner’s in pain. Yes. And I need to help.
[Jon Dabach] 16:05
Yes. So a lot. Yeah, you’re right, using your words carefully making it about the way you feel, and not about proving that something you did was right or wrong. Right, getting into that emotional core. That we that we’ve learned to avoid our whole lives because most people don’t care. But your romantic partner cares about that the most Yes,
[Tamika Carlton] 16:30
Yes. And, and, you know, I think a lot of times, we’re afraid to share the truth behind the feelings. So we share the surface and not argue about though the surface like it’s just the surface arguments, but we’re not sharing why it’s really bothering us. Like what is in the depth of that. Freshman, why
[Jon Dabach] 16:53
Do you think that people are afraid to share that?
[Tamika Carlton] 16:56
I mean, because a lot of times, they’re afraid to be rejected, like they’re afraid to, you know, when you when you let your guard down, that is ultimately you letting your guard down, like, always tell people when I first got into a relationship with Logan, like, we would get into an argument, and I would be ready to go. Like, I’m like, I don’t want to be here anymore.
[Tamika Carlton] 17:14
And it’s like, because I was so afraid to get to the truth of if I break down these barriers, if I open myself to you, you’re going to truly know me. And what if you leave? Or what if you don’t accept that, or whatever it may be. And that is just a fear that a lot of us have, like, if you truly know me, will you accept that?
[Jon Dabach] 17:40
Right? Right. Will you was afraid of being kicked out or leaving,
[Tamika Carlton] 17:45
Right? So it’s like, let me leave first, let me be the one to say I’m out. But yeah. So
[Jon Dabach] 17:53
There was an epidemic in communication with people where they feel like, if I leave first, or if I prepare myself for what I think is inevitable rejection, it’s going to make it hurt less. And the truth is, it hurts the same. The same, hurts the same. Yeah. I remember people say like, Oh, I know, he’s going to cheat on me. I know, he’s going to cheat on me. I just know it and I’m like, Okay. And then a month later, he cheats on you. I’m like, and all that worrying, did that make it easier?
[Tamika Carlton] 18:21
No. Also, on that point, I think something that’s really important is intention and a relationship. Sometimes we have to be aware of our of what our intentions are. And our words like even though it’s, you know, just because it’s happened in the past, yes, it can happen again. But ultimately, if you intend for the person to cheat on you, it very well may occur versus if you intend for this to be a quality, fruitful relationship and we break down the idea of you cheating on me. Then maybe we can get to another side.
[Jon Dabach] 19:00
Yeah, I had I had a brilliant guest. She’s from Florida, Patricia Barbosa de Silva. She has a whole model that she made around this called the IAP model, the intention action perception. Yes. And it was I thought it was brilliant. And like, we talked about it for you know, 30 minutes, but just those three words in itself resonate with couples like okay, but that was your intention.
[Jon Dabach] 19:22
There was an action behind that intention. But your partner perceived it differently and kind of getting through that. It was really kind of clever to kind of you know, to hang your hat on sounds Well, it sounds like you’re doing amazing work what’s next for you guys? More retreats, what you knows, what’s what the next horizon is for you and Logan,
[Tamika Carlton] 19:45
Super excited for more retreats and connecting with more couples. We are also planning a subscription launch an online community of couples where you have access to different experts like yourself or anyone else and just ensuring that we’re we are kind of building a solid community around all of the experiences whether you’re at home whether you’re traveling whatever it may be, we want to make sure that we meet our clients where they are.
[Jon Dabach] 20:17
That’s great. So people can find you I know your main website is couple’s dash experience.com and they can read more about it and learn more about it is there anywhere else they can go to find out about you guys?
[Tamika Carlton] 20:28
Yeah, sure. Couples experience on Instagram and then my personal Instagram account is to mica underscore Carlton JBP
[Jon Dabach] 20:38
I’ll make sure to put all those links in the show notes as well in case you’re by a computer and you want to click on those but otherwise you could just you know start with the website I’m sure there’s probably links at the bottom there to your socials and stuff as well. So very, very fun. I’m excited to hear more about your retreats please keep me in the loop. Maybe I’ll maybe I’ll pop by one of them and my wife
[Tamika Carlton] 21:05
[Jon Dabach] 21:06
Awesome. All right. Well Tamika thank you so much for being here. If you’re interested in learning how to get the absolute most out of your romantic relationships then you’re in luck because I have put together a free workshop or masterclass if you will, about three secrets that people in happy relationships have discovered. You can view the workshop and mrspirituality.com/threesecrets again, it’s completely free. Just go there and watch it. It’ll help you on your journey. Give you some wisdom. Some things to think about. The website again is mrspirituality.com/three secrets. That’s mrspirituality.com/the Number three, the word secrets. It’s all yours. Enjoy.